Sunday, January 20, 2013

Stupid Cocaine!: Miami Connection

Today, I make an honest attempt to explain the glory that is the 1987 masterpiece Miami Connection. I will fail. It is too beautiful.

Miami Connection is a work of pure emotion that transcends human language. Miami Connection is a work of true sincerity by a super genius (though his genius lies not in filmmaking, but in superkicking and shirtless hugging). Miami Connection is the story of how one rock band finally loosened the cocaine dealing motorcycle ninjas stranglehold on Orlando, Florida. Miami Connection is a true story in the same way that all great stories are true - not because it actually happened - but because it reaches down into the human condition and tells the TRUTH, you know? THE TRUTH!!

Miami Connection, you guys.

Miami Connection is the story of a group of orphans who are also a new wave rock band who are also University of Central Florida students who are also black belts in Tae Kwon Do. Their leader is a Korean Tae Kwon Do grandmaster who is not afraid to put his fist in anyone’s mouth at any time. They sing about friendship and ninjas in “central Florida’s hottest nightclub” Park Avenue.

There is so much going on in this film that there is no way I can cover it all. John, the orphan that looks like a lankier Michael Phelps, is dating the sister of notorious “stupid cocaine” dealer Jeff, who wants nothing more than to destroy Jim and the orphan band (called Dragon Sound). Jeff gets his orders from Yashito, head of the Miami motorcycle ninja squad that runs the cocaine trade in Florida. My understanding is that this is how Florida worked in the 80s.

Meanwhile, orphan Jim (played by Maurice Smith, who would go on to bulk way up and become one of the first UFC champions in the 90s) is harassing the Defense Department in order to find the location of his real father, whom he feels strong feelings about.

Meanwhile, there is some crazy business with a Korean restraunteur who serves ketchup and mustard along with korean food and kicks the hell out of punks wearing short shorts.

Meanwhile, there is an uncomfortable scene where the head ninja just hangs out with a bunch of Hell’s Angels in their biker bar, featuring the least appealing topless ladies of all time.

Meanwhile, there is an extended scene where our heroes discuss the Tae Kwon Do world tour they are going to go on sometime in the future that has nothing to do with the plot.

Every 15 or 20 minutes Dragon Sound has their car surrounded by shirtless shouting thugs and are forced to have a Tae Kwon Do battle in the night streets of Orlando. In between fights we are treated to some genuinely amazing line readings, and lots of awkward shirtlessness.

I am failing to fully describe the brilliance of this film. Just do yourself a favor and go watch the damn thing. I guarantee that you won’t have a better time in front of a screen this year. You can buy it on DVD from Drafthouse Films, or just come over to my house some time.


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